Death Cafe write-up: November 2015
Our November Death Cafe was the final one for 2015 and as with all Death Cafe’s to date, conversation was lively, stimulating, thought-provoking and incredibly interesting. At one point during the conversation I took a moment to look around me.
I saw a community of people drawn together by a common bond. I saw new lines of thought being generated in people’s minds. I saw happiness and sadness, joy and reflection. I saw people trying to understand and make sense of death as an event in their lives. I saw people sharing and participating in moments of intimacy. But I saw something else as well; I saw people, in freedom and acceptance , talking about something which for all of us is a deeply profound event in our life.
What does it mean to die? For what purpose are we born if it is only to die? Surely there is more to our lives than the ‘space’ between our birth and our death? One of the reasons I became involved with the Death Cafe movement, is because death-related discussions can be fraught with fear, confusion, avoidance and spiritual and psychological pain if they occur when we’re on our death-bed. How can we experience a ‘good death’ if we don’t plan ahead? How can we in good faith exit this life for the next (yes, I believe in an afterlife) with regret for past deeds done or not done, and with ‘unfinished business’ hanging over our heads?
There has been a growing awareness of the fact that as a society we need to ‘do death differently’ and there are certainly grounds for this. As a community we do need to be more loving, more understanding, and more compassionate about death and toward the dying, but I’ve noticed something else as well. Don’t we also need to ‘do life differently’ as well, and if we do, perhaps we won’t fear death as much or the physical suffering that can accompany our dying (in the knowledge that such is simply ‘external’)?
I feel that in contemplating death, by default, we contemplate life. What does it mean to live? What does it mean to be born? Am I to make something of myself and if so, what? Is that ‘something’ just material or is it spiritual as well?
Angela Tilby talks about what she calls praeparatio mortis, “preparation for death, a spiritual education in coming to terms with our mortality” highlighting “this is a task not for the last weeks of life – it is often too late by then” (Tilby, A. 2011. BBC Radio 4, Thought for the Day, 17 February). When I read those words they struck an immediate chord as it occurred to me that we are born to die, but we die in order to live again. It’s almost a contradiction. From the perspective of an afterlife, its not dying then that should be meaningful, it’s how we live and what we have made of ourselves when we die because that’s what we take with us into that afterlife.
Although Tilby focuses on the spiritual, there are many practical aspects to be considered as well including for example having an Advanced Care Directive or an up-to-date Will, or deciding where we want to die (home or hospice). It is not easy to talk about death, but every month people come to Death Cafe Marrickville to do just that. With great courage and simplicity stories are told and memories are shared, and a profound learning takes place. For myself, it is always incredibly meaningful to see the world through the eyes of others, and death is no exception.
It has been a terrific year of growth and discovery for Death Cafe Marrickville. Each month we’ve convened in Lazy Bones Lounge, hosted by the wonderful and generous Alex and Craig, sitting on plush couches, enjoying the ambiance of wood panelling, Japanese erotica, mood lighting and the occasional glass of red wine. And in the midst of these eclectic surroundings, what has always been present has been a communion of souls whose paths happen to intersect on the last Saturday of each month.
